Thursday, April 17, 2008

Why are there so many single mothers?

I will be a guest blogger on The Savvy Sister the week of May 4th. Trying to check out the kinds of items that are included on this site, I ran across the following question and response. Needless to say, I had something to say about this. Please read and add your comments.

Ladies, there’s a growing trend that I’m concerned with at the present time. There’s a growing number of African American SINGLE mothers on the scene. What is really going on? Why do you think these men can give you a baby, but not a ring? Is it the men or is it the men that you are choosing?

What do you think is the real reason so many sistas are unmarried (with a kid or kids)? I would of course love to hear the opinions of my single moms………. Please enlighten The Player.

A response from anonymous
It may not be whether or not they want to put a ring on our finger. We may not want to accept the ring because of who's offering it.
Shit happens. I know shit happened to me. I never intended to get pregnant but it happened with rubbers in play. My baby daddy is just that, my baby's daddy. Had my son not came about he would have no title in my life AT ALL. He offered to go the route of being in a committed relationship but I saw no purpose. He had already shown me he wasn't about much so WHY would I want somebody like that to put a ring on my finger? Women need to just make sure we always use protection. Cause these men out here are scandalous. I can count three men that have since told me that they intentionally tried to get me preganint. That was some scandalous bullshit if I ever heard some. Player you aint got kids? And if you do, why didn't you put a ring your baby momma's finger?

My response


Why are you giving Single player or any man for that matter all the power and all the responsibility. Anonymous, you have already said that your "baby's daddy" wasn't about much, so why did you sleep with him in the first place.

Listen,there are so many single mama's out here because we refuse to acknowledge the red flags when we see them. Some of us believe that a piece of man is better than no man. Still others of us believe that we can change the man.

Stop giving men all the credit for the situations that we find ourselves in. The bottom line is, no one held a gun to our heads when we slept with these men. (at least I hope not) Most of us went into the bedroom with our eyes open. If, you sleep with someone without protection, a baby can be the end result.Even if you use protection that fails,knowing that the man is already a loser and sleeping with him anyway, Hmm who's the real loser. Ladies you are smarter than that. Your poor choices are not the man's fault.

Let's be real, take responsibility for our actions and move on. If, you want to change the trend, change yor choices. Remember that your body is a temple. Don't give it away to anybody


Monica Carter Tagore said...

What an excellent reply! You are right. If we want to change the trend, we must change our choices. I speak a lot about choices in my book, Zoom Power: Your Key to Hitting Your Personal, Business and Financial Targets. That is because I believe we get the lives we create. And we create our lives through our choices. If we are unhappy, sullen, and empty, it's because we've chosen to be.

Pop culture has us believing this tale of a man shortage and that all men are dogs. This is simply not true. Sure, a fair number of men are undesirable mates, but the same can be said of some women.

What we have to do as women is stop buying into the hype that there are no good men out there. We must expect to be treated right and demand it. And that starts with choosing the right mates. You can tell a lot about a man in the first conversation, let alone the first date. So if you already see warning signs, don't ignore them.

Are there times when mates change over time and we find what we first knew (or thought we knew) isn't anymore? Of course. Relationships can change and sometimes it's the smart, empowered and right thing for a woman to leave that relationship. And that may result in her being a single parent. If that is the case, the fact that she has chosen to leave may be a blessing -- for her and for her children.

But there are many more women who are getting into relationships with men who showed us who they were from the start. In those instances, I again point to our choices. Some of us are choosing to engage men we already know will not do right, so we can't be surprised when they, in fact, live up to that.

We all have the power to choose. And if we choose not to deal with men who disrespect and mistreat us, then we will have a better time of our relationships. There are many wonderful men around who are respectful and are worthy mates. Some of us simply choose to date the ones who are not. So we can't blame men for our bad choices. Our choices rest squarely on our own shoulders.

Anonymous said...

I think so many women are single mothers because they loss sight of themselves. They somehow or another stop valuing themselves or just settled for some attention at the moment.

I believe when women truly find out their self worth, they will not settle for nothing but the wise, career wise, and any other way.

Life is about the choices that we make, back choices lead to bad consequences. Women MUST get to a place in their lives where they feel that they deserve nothing but the best and if that means being single until a Real man comes along then so be it.

We as women have to take responsibility for our actions, a man can do no more than we allow him to do, so if we lay down with a player who is not worth his weight in gold, we are going to end up with an additional mouth to feed and no help from the father.

I believe when should go into their relationships thinking long term, not I'm getting mine now.

A woman that loves herself will not let just anything come into her life.

Author Tamara Angela Grant said...

My answer... Marriage and Committing to a long term relationship has gotten such a bad rap.

Women get into relationships for all the wrong reasons (pressure by family, money, sex) and then when it doesn't work out (surprise, surprise) then it's "Men are dogs" or "Marriage isn't for me".

What if you had taken the time to
1. Get yourself together. How can you offer yourself to someone else and expect them to be 100% with you when you are only at 50%?
2. Pray on it. God will send the right person your way- when you are ready!(And remember, the Devil hears you too!)
3. HAVE SOME STANDARDS!!! Women are falling for anything because they want to have something. Don't be afraid to set some standards about your dating lifestyle.

Most women don't want to be a single mom, but may feel it's a last resort because of age, putting off relationships for careers, etc.

Ladies, we can have it all, but you have to be willing to put in some work and come to the table with the same things you expect from your partner!!!